Topicfire Humor News

American Voices: Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Have Daughter

2013-06-18T05:05:03+00:00

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian welcomed a healthy daughter into the world Saturday, with the newborn weighing in at less than 5 pounds and the parents saying they would choose a name that begins with the letter K.

You Light Up My Life

2013-06-18T03:18:50+00:00

So, that’s where you’ve been hiding it. (submitted by Christian) ��

Color Me Dad

2013-06-17T23:49:59+00:00

Dad felt overdressed. (submitted by Tami) ��

Anonymous says FML

2013-06-17T23:29:21+00:00

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

hinting says FML

2013-06-17T22:27:16+00:00

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

Slideshow: The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

2013-06-17T22:21:16+00:00

The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard

2013-06-17T21:33:31+00:00

BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders of 19 separate people, according to anonymous testimony from a cheese-...

Wrist Rocket

2013-06-17T20:26:14+00:00

It also works as an anklet. (submitted by Dino) ��

New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program

2013-06-17T20:21:51+00:00

TEHRAN—After touring various energy plants and fusion reactors throughout the country, newly elected Iranian President Hasan Rowhani told reporters Monday that he is incredibly impressed with the Islamic republic’s advanced nuclear weapons pro...

Nelson Mandela Admits Thoughts, Prayers Of Millions Played No Part In Recovery

2013-06-17T20:21:51+00:00

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Addressing supporters Monday from the hospital bed where he is being treated for a recurring lung infection, former South African president Nelson Mandela admitted that the millions of thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes he has...

It’s (not) Flag Day.

2013-06-17T19:33:38+00:00

When I was a kid I was assigned “Flag-Duty”, which basically meant that me and a classmate were responsible for raising and lowering the flag at our elementary school. We were taught the special way to fold it and everything was fine, until one day the wind caught it when...

[video] The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'

2013-06-17T19:24:09+00:00

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard

Michelle Obama Seen Outside Walking Family Rhinoceros

2013-06-17T18:31:10+00:00

WASHINGTON—Spectators outside the White House received a rare treat this morning when they witnessed First Lady Michelle Obama on the South Lawn going for a stroll with the family’s pet rhinoceros, Chauncey.

nomwar says FML

2013-06-17T18:30:25+00:00

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

newyorkers says FML

2013-06-17T18:30:16+00:00

Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML

Infographic: Superman Turns 75

2013-06-17T17:33:53+00:00

Superman’s legacy began 75 years ago this month with his first appearance in the inaugural issue of Action Comics, and continued last weekend with the release of the blockbuster film Man Of Steel.

Area Man Scores Rimside Seat To NBA Finals

2013-06-17T17:33:52+00:00

Area Man Scores Rimside Seat To NBA Finals

Anonymous says FML

2013-06-17T16:38:07+00:00

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office

2013-06-17T16:33:03+00:00

LOS ANGELES—According to box-office returns, the new Will Smith film After Earth II, the sequel to last month’s science-fiction adventure-drama After Earth, performed disastrously in movie theaters over the weekend.

Editorial Cartoon: Summer Assault

2013-06-17T16:23:20+00:00

Summer Assault

Idontbelieveinmagic says FML

2013-06-17T15:35:59+00:00

Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML

American Voices: More White Americans Dying Than Being Born

2013-06-17T15:23:36+00:00

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, for the first time in modern history, more white Americans are dying than being born, with whites predicted to fall below 50 percent of the population by 2043.

Orson Welles tearing off his Citizen Kane face, 1941

2013-06-17T14:48:44+00:00

Orson Welles tearing off his Citizen Kane face, 1941